Why Read “Lean In”

I was determined not to like Sheryl Sandberg’s much-buzzed-about book “Lean In: Women, Work, And the Will to Lead“. Similar to critical articles I read, I questioned why a woman in a position of power and influence, not to mention privilege, would be telling us that women need to be doing…more. It made me tired just thinking about it. What about a company’s responsibility toward supporting women and families through policy and culture shifts? What about asking men to “lean in” and be more thoughtful about their roles and complicity with pay inequity and childcare burdens?

The very title “Lean In” rubbed me the wrong way. It’s not that I don’t believe in women speaking up for themselves; I teach salary negotiation to women, after all, and classes on how to be your own advocate with your career and job search. However, what we don’t need is more weight on our shoulders suggesting that change rests completely on us. So I was angry at Sheryl Sandberg and her book.

And yet, I ultimately decided it’s best not to judge a book by it’s cover, or title and critical reviews in this case, until I’ve read it for myself.

To my surprise, I loved it.

Why? The book is honest about Sandberg’s insecurity and self-doubt at all stages of her career, and guilt over impossible choices she’s had to make around work and family. She speaks directly to men about their roles and is an advocate for positive changes in the workplace. I found myself inspired and thinking about ways I could sit at the literal and metaphorical table more.

One of the validating points she makes is how likability and success are negatively correlated for women, meaning the more successful women become, the less likable they are rated by their colleagues, which is not the case for men. This is illustrated best by the Heidi/Howard research study where the details of a successful entrepreneur are exactly the same and the gender is switched. Both men and women rated the male (Howard) as likeable and the woman (Heidi) as selfish and not someone you’d want to work with or hire. No wonder we’re spinning our wheels trying to navigate the complex mixed signals women receive in the workplace. Sandberg clearly and concisely presents this in the context of her own life including in her position at Facebook.

I agreed with one LYJ alum’s take that “Lean In” is “like all the feminist data you ever wanted in one place.” Not only that, she elaborated: “We agreed after our book club that ["Lean In"] gave us more awareness, the ability to recognize certain ways we hold ourselves back, and courage to make subtle changes.”

I encourage you (and that means men too) to read “Lean In” and decide for yourself where you stand on these critical issues. Be part of the conversation, and let’s keep that conversation going.

Should You Turn Your Affirmation Into a Question?

Since I always provide jobseekers in my classes with a list of affirmations to help improve their mindset, I was intrigued to read in Daniel Pink’s latest book, To Sell is Human: The Surprising Truth About Moving Others, research about the power of putting affirmations in question form. He cites a study in 2010 where participants required to solve puzzles were doubly successful if they asked themselves, “Will I solve the puzzles?” versus the group that stated, “I will solve the puzzles.”

According to Pink:

“[T]he interrogative, by its very form, elicits answers–and within those answers are strategies for actually carrying out the task. Imagine, for instance, that you’re readying yourself for an important meeting in which you must pitch an idea and marshal support for it. You could tell yourself, ‘I’m the best. This is going to be a breeze,’ and that might give you a short-term emotional boost. But if you ask instead, ‘Can I make a great pitch?’ the research has found that you provide yourself something that reaches deeper and lasts longer. You might respond to yourself, ‘Well, yes, I can make a great pitch. In fact, I’ve probably pitched ideas at meetings two dozen times in my life.’ You might remind yourself of your preparation…You might also give yourself specific tactical advice…Mere affirmation feels good and that helps. But it doesn’t prompt you to summon the resources and strategies to actually accomplish the task.”

If we apply this to a jobseeker / career changer affirmation, “I NOW HAVE CRYSTAL CLEAR CLARITY ON THE JOB OF MY DREAMS” and flip this around to, “Do I have crystal clear clarity on the job of my dreams?” the answer could prove insightful. Perhaps you would respond with what information you have about what you want or don’t want, as well as resources at your fingertips to tap. Pink advises you to list five specific reasons why the answer to your question is yes. He says, “These reasons will remind you of the strategies that you’ll need to be effective on the task, providing a sturdier and more substantive grounding than mere affirmation.”

While I still believe affirmations created in the form of a statement are powerful tools, it can’t hurt to add in a few questions and see what answers come.

Ask Your Network for Job Search Help Using the “Two-Part Email”

I’ve written previously on how to ask your network for job search help using a “Need a Favor” approach where you send out a clear and specific group email.

What about email introductions? How do you ask for an introduction to a potential job search contact, such as a second degree connection on LinkedIn, without being a burden to your busy first degree friend or colleague?

One of my favorite new tools when it comes to requesting to be introduced to a contact is the “Two-Part Email” which I learned of through career coach Sarah Stamboulie and her must-see “Hidden Job Market” webinars. Women in my LYJ (Love Your Job) Search classes have been using this approach with great success.

The idea is people want to help you with your job search but you need to make it as easy as possible for them. Composing a thoughtful introductory email can be time-consuming. With the two-part email, you write the email FOR your contact.

As Stamboulie notes in her webinar, this may seem odd or presumptuous but people are usually very receptive and appreciative of the extra effort. From being on the receiving end of these recently, I can say I absolutely love them. I am able to tweak the draft letter and send it off quickly in order to make the connection.

Here’s an example from a recent LYJ alumna with identifying details changed for anonymity.

Part I of the email is a short letter from Elise to me asking for my assistance. Part II is the email Elise has drafted for me.

SUBJECT LINE: Possible introduction

Hi Suzanne,

Hope you’re doing well and enjoying the warmer weather.

I wanted to be in touch because I would love to be introduced to your contact Kim Jones who works at XYZ organization. Do you know her well? Do you think she’d be a good person to speak with? I’m continuing my exploration of educational arts programs at major nonprofits in NYC and thought she might be a great person to chat with. I was hoping to learn a bit about how she got where she is, what types of projects she works on, and more generally about this area.

Since I know how busy you are, I’ve drafted a couple of paragraphs for you to send to Kim if you’re okay with the introduction – see below.

I appreciate your time looking all this over and any feedback or comments. I look forward to hearing more about how you’ve been.

I hope you are having a nice weekend!
Elise

Dear Kim,

I hope that you’re well and enjoying the spring.
I am writing to ask a favor for a friend of mine, Elise Smith. Elise and I met in 2009 when she was working as a summer intern at XXX and she has since graduated and moved to New York City to pursue a career in social justice nonprofit work. Elise is interested in speaking with you because she is exploring educational programs in the arts, and is curious to know more about your work and background. I think you’d enjoy connecting with her as she’s always willing to reciprocate when it comes to networking, and she knows a lot about similar programming in the city.

If it’s okay with you, I’ll give Elisa your contact information so she can follow up to schedule some time to speak, or if you’d prefer, you can reach her at elise.smith(at)email.com or 555-123-4567. Here’s her LinkedIn profile for more background:  www.linkedin.com/in/XXXX.

Thank you for considering, and please let me know if I can do anything for you!

Best,
Suzanne

I encourage job seekers to experiment with this way of asking for introductions. See if you get quicker and more enthusiastic results and feel free, as always, to report back.

ADDENDUM - After posting, I received the following suggestion from Sarah Stamboulie on additional ways to strengthen these emails: I think that Elise’s email, and your email for Elise, could be focused much more on Kim and xyz organization. I’d add 3-4 sentences to each email (they can be the same in both) about why Elise admires Kim, is especially interested in her work/background, why she admires xyz organization, and why she is especially interested in its work/mission/business model.

Self-Care for the Last Weeks of Winter

Has anyone else been experiencing the hectic pace of February and March? With the holidays behind us and spring in front of us, we’re in the heart of a more active and busy season. If you are job seeking or considering a career change, it’s especially important to restore your energy to continue forward with the job search process. Here are some tips from Brooklyn-based wellness coach and massage therapist Liz Tortolani for how to stay healthy as we lead up into spring.

Self-Care For the Last Weeks of Winter by Liz Tortolani

It is hard to believe that we are into the last weeks of winter. For most of you I am sure this is a welcome realization. For a few, myself included, we will be a little sad to see the hibernation days of winter end. A time when it is accepted to stay inside all day, drinking coffee or tea, reading, or laying in bed, (if you are lucky enough to have the luxury of that.) The days are slowly but surely getting longer and we can begin to see and hear signs of nature come back to life. We will soon be enjoying the new spring energy before we know it, but until then, I invite you to enjoy the lovely slower and quieter energy that winter can bring.

I know for some, the winter months here can be a challenge with the lack of light and cold weather. Many experience bouts of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder.) If this is you, I hope that you had some time to get away to a more comfortable climate. If that was not possible, I will share with you some of my simple self-care tips to get you through this last month and on to the next season feeling refreshed, relaxed, and renewed.

So enjoy the last weeks of winter, and to get the benefit of the renewing energy of winter, try one or more of these self-care suggestions:

Get an extra hour of sleep. Stay in bed on the weekend for the hour, reading the paper, book, or Nook.

See a play or movie. It is a great time of year to finally see that play on or off Broadway. Or if a movie is more in your budget, just having a few hours to “escape” can do the body and mind good.

Have coffee or tea with a friend. I think this is one of the best things to do during these cold and bleak months. Meet a friend you have not seen in a few weeks, months or even longer and take a few hours to meet at a cozy café to catch up. It is the perfect time of year to reconnect, which can leave you feeling the warmth of making connection with a good friend.

Enjoy working on a creative project. This is one that is truly perfect for winter’s shorter days. If you are a writer, artist, or have a hobby that has gone by the wayside, use this moment to recommit to giving it some time. Nurture this part of yourself; let the darkness allow for the creative energy to flow, making it a worthwhile way to spend a few afternoons or evenings.

And of course, take care of your body. Get a massage (hot stone is wonderful this time of year) walk in nature, exercise if that is something you do, nourish yourself with good healthy foods, and my favorite winter self-care tip is to use a hot water bottle, bring it to bed with you with a cup of chamomile tea at night or during your morning in bed and it will be a wonderful comfort to your body and your mind.

Stay in bed for a day. This is a luxury we often only give ourselves when we are sick, but what would it do for you to give your body that extra rest when you actually can REALLY ENJOY IT. Plan it, TRY it! YOU WILL LOVE IT! Read the paper, have breakfast in bed, watch a movie, write, nap, look at your favorite magazines. Just BE….ENJOY. This is mostly for the people without kids, but maybe you can do a trade with your partner so each one of you can enjoy the experience.

These are the things that I do to keep me feeling well and healthy during these cold, and dark months. Before we know it spring will be in full bloom. So take a little extra time for yourself. Hibernate and restore your energy so when the bright days of spring arrive you will be ready and filled up with energy to enjoy them!

Liz Tortolani, LMT, is a massage therapy, yoga and wellness coach with offices in Manhattan and Brooklyn. See here website www.livewellnyc.com for more details. Ask her about massage therapy packages.

Confessions of a Highly Sensitive Entrepreneur by Selena Soo

I loved this post so much by Selena Soo, LYJ friend and fellow INFJ, I asked for permission to repost it here. If you’ve ever felt you were too sensitive for your workplace, you’ll appreciate Selena’s story, which first appeared on a terrific site called Positively Positive.

My Struggles in the Workplace

Early in my career as a young professional woman, I struggled a lot at work. It wasn’t that I wasn’t good at my job; it was that I was so sensitive.

If I didn’t do something 100% perfectly, I’d feel bad about myself. If my well-meaning boss had constructive feedback for me, I’d feel deeply hurt. When someone asked me for something, my answer was always yes (even when I wanted to say no).

Beyond that, working in a traditional office environment didn’t suit my personality. Sitting at a desk for eight to ten hours straight just didn’t feel natural to me. And I felt constantly overstimulated.

A few years ago, I learned about a book called The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron. It offers a test to determine how sensitive you are, asking questions such as: “Do you need to withdraw during busy days to have privacy and relief from stimulation?” and “Are you easily affected by other people’s moods?”

If you answer “yes” to eight or more of the 27 questions, the book says “you might just be a highly sensitive person.” I wasn’t surprised when I answered yes to all 27.

I remember saying to myself, “Maybe I’m just not cut out for the business world.” While on the outside I seemed successful and highly accomplished, on the inside I was falling apart. I wanted to escape. I just didn’t know where to.

Off to Business School

Like so many other young professionals, when in doubt, apply to business school! Getting an MBA is a socially acceptable way to spend two years figuring out your life. And it worked.

Prior to business school, I worked at an organization with about 10 full-time employees. We were all overachievers. We went above and beyond, each taking on the jobs of three people. I thought this was normal.

In business school, I learned how I was different from others. My classmates were all brilliant, but each of us stood out in our own unique way. I found certain classes such as statistics to be incredibly challenging. For some of my classmates, it was a piece of cake.

On the other hand, I loved my marketing and leadership classes, which were all about understanding people and influencing their behavior. My natural ability to connect with people’s feelings and needs became a valuable asset.

When working with my classmates, I also started to learn new things about myself. I began to see that many of my personal qualities that I took for granted, such as my entrepreneurial hustle, big picture thinking skills, and careful attention to detail, made me distinctively me.

Overall, the most valuable thing I learned from business school was not textbook knowledge; it was self-knowledge.

During business school, I also had the opportunity to work with an entrepreneur, whose mission and vision resonated deeply with me. Working side by side with such an extraordinary woman who had built a multi-million dollar company made me realize that I could eventually do the same. She believed in me, and that helped me believe in myself.

Taking the Plunge and Becoming an Entrepreneur

I once heard someone say, “Your dream job doesn’t exist. You have to create it.” Those words ring so true for me.

Because of my sensitivity, I have a very low threshold for doing things I don’t enjoy. It’s truly painful for me. On the other hand, when I feel passionate about my work and am using what I consider to be my unique gifts, everything feels effortless. My desire to avoid negative feelings led me to creating my dream job.

Today I get to do the thing I love the most in the world — working with visionary people to help them grow their businesses. I serve as a strategic thinking partner to entrepreneurs and changemakers. I’m a publicist with a purpose. I’m a marketer with a mission. I created my dream job by taking all the things that I love to do and turning that into my company’s offerings.

Before I viewed my sensitivity as my biggest weakness. Today I see it as my greatest strength. My sensitivity allows me to notice all of the subtleties around me. My sensitivity allows me to see things from many different perspectives. Most important of all, my sensitivity allows me to connect with people on a deeper level.

Business is all about serving people. It’s about understanding their needs, so that you can help them improve their lives. My life has been changed by the people around me. The authors who have penned my favorite books, the experts who have taught me how to live my best life, and the entrepreneurs who have shown me that anything is possible.

I love this quote by Mahatma Gandhi, which has become my personal mantra — “My life is my message.” I want you to know that it is possible to create your dream life, where you can be 100% yourself while helping others. When you make the decision to be your authentic self, you give others the permission to do the same. While there are many ways to make a difference, it is your courage and conviction that will truly change the world.

Selena Soo (founder of S2 Groupe) is a business strategist for personal brands, focusing on marketing and publicity. Through her signature course Elevate Your Brand, Selena loves helping visionary entrepreneurs, experts, and coaches reach more people and change the world. Join Selena’s newsletter for weekly inspiration and tips to improve your business and life.

Salary Negotiation Step 1: Delay Talking About Money

During the State of the Union address, President Obama urged Congress to enact legislation guaranteeing that women and men receive equal pay for equal work. “I ask this Congress to declare that women should earn a living equal to their efforts, and finally pass the Paycheck Fairness Act this year,” he said.  

I agree that this legislation would be a huge step towards addressing the gender wage gap. In the meantime, there are strategies that we can implement as individuals to increase our wages. A Washington Post salary survey reported that “women ask for raises or promotions 85 percent less often than their male counterparts.”

Putting salary negotiation techniques into practice is more important now than ever. I will feature some of these tips and tricks in a short series of blog posts.

There are many barriers women face to salary negotiation – and when I conduct workshops on the topic for women of all ages and professions, their concerns are echoed in room after room: fear of rejection or being perceived as too greedy/assertive/arrogant, not knowing their worth or market rate, not knowing how to present a counter offer, and simply feeling grateful for the job offer.

One of the most effective tools for salary negotiation is to delay talking about money. Stall, stall, and stall some more. Why? The first person who talks money loses. You potentially run the risk of shortchanging yourself by quoting a figure that is too low and you might get screened out of the hiring process if you quote a figure too high.

Here are some potential ways to handle the question about your salary requirements the next time you’re interviewing for a job:

1. I’m happy to discuss salary at a later point – right now, I’m interested to hear more about the position and how I could be an asset to your team.
2. I would consider any fair and reasonable salary.
3. I would be happy to discuss salary if presented with a job offer.
4. My salary is negotiable. What salary range do you have in mind?

The point is to delay talking about money until you actually receive a job offer, as you’re in the best bargaining position when the employer wants you to accept.

Ten Inspirational Quotes for Jobseekers

I love inspirational quotes so when I saw a recent article promising “best inspirational quotes for jobseekers”, I excitedly clicked through. Unfortunately, the quotes left me feeling a bit flat. They were of the “rah rah” and “success involves lots of hard work – you can do it” variety. I’ve found that in jobseeking periods, I mostly needed compassionate and comforting quotes, or ones that spoke more to my heart.

Here are some of my favorite inspiring quotes for jobseekers in a variety of stages of the process that I’ve pulled from my Quote du Jour blog. I hope you like them.

“What I know for sure: No matter where you are on your journey, that’s exactly where you need to be. The next road is always ahead. No, I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now.” -Oprah Winfrey

“Perhaps your challenge isn’t finding a better project or a better boss. Perhaps you need to get in touch with what it means to feel passionate. People with passion look for ways to make things happen.” -Seth Godin, Linchpin

“Better is one’s own dharma
though imperfectly carried out,
than the dharma of another
carried out perfectly.” -Bhadavad Gita

“Caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar.”
“Traveler, there is no path, the path must be
forged as you walk.” -Antonio Machado

Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love. -Rumi

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” -Maya Angelou

“Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment.
The more experiments you make the better.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

“What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” -Mary Oliver

“I love myself; therefore, I work at a job I truly enjoy doing, one that uses my creative talents and abilities, working with and for people I love and who love me, and earning a good income…I love myself; therefore, I live totally in the now, experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future is bright and joyous and secure, for I am a beloved child of the Universe, and the Universe lovingly takes care of me now and forever more. All is well in my world.” -Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” -Howard Thurman

Embrace Winter Cocooning

Photo from Kripalu in Lenox, MA

I spent this past weekend at Kripalu, the holistic retreat center in the Berkshires of Western Massachusetts. The trip, taken with my mom, reminded me of how valuable it can be to embrace the contemplative period during the colder months of the year.

Up with the snow and views of mountains, I found myself thinking of words I associate with winter: stillness, calm, quiet, peace, diving inward, cocooning, connection with the self, just being.

What’s the value of embracing the season and making space to connect with yourself? Winter in the Northeast United States coincides with the New Year which is a time of transformation, reflection and change. Instead of being frustrated with your inability to be active outside, embrace the season and use this time to get back in touch with what’s most important to you so that you can align the year ahead with your values and your sense of purpose.

Your Hopes and Fears for Making a Change in 2013

Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony poster at LYJ Career Workshop in December

At LYJ’s latest Career Workshop for Women Lawyers earlier this month, we asked participants to brainstorm their list of hopes and fears for making a change.

What is the value of asking these questions as we head into a New Year?

Many of us carry around “fear” amorphously and free-floating yet never examine more closely to see what exactly is there. There’s value in shining a light on your fears so they can be shaken loose, and you can begin to test any assumptions that perhaps are not true.

On the flip side, what’s the pay off if you do move through your fears and come out the other side? What are you yearning for that you might have a shot at it if you let yourself imagine what could be possible? Getting clear about your hopes allows you to start moving in the direction of what is most important to you.

Below is a sample of what women throughout our workshops over the past three years have offered as their hopes and fears about making a change, whether within the law or embarking on something in a new career area:

FEARS

• There will not be enough money
• If make a change, will still be unhappy
• Will be forced to step back or take a more junior position
• Fear of making a bad or poorly informed decision
• Skills won’t be transferable
• It’s not a fixable situation
• Feels like starting over
• The unknown – not a clear path

HOPES

• Have many transferable skills and am incredibly marketable
• Will know how it feels to Love Your Job and Love Your Life
• Will be able to make an impact
• Work that matters
• Can have work-life balance
• Money will be there, compensation will be based on hard work
• Excited to get out of bed and go to work
• Will be proud of job and can tell people
• Authenticity

While these lists were made by women with legal backgrounds, the questions may be asked by anyone contemplating a career change or shift as we head into a New Year. What are your hopes for making a change in 2013? What are your fears? What can you learn about yourself by asking these questions?

What’s Your Sentence?

I’m currently reading Daniel Pink’s Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us. It’s a lively, fascinating read emphasizing how workplaces that use carrots and sticks miss the mark on what truly engages people.

Like Pink, I enjoy thinking about the importance of a sense of purpose to our lives, and encourage jobseekers I work with to reflect on that. Here is an excerpt from the Toolkit section of Drive that offers a nice question to ask yourself to get clearer on your purpose:

“In 1962, Clare Boothe Luce, one of the first women to serve in the U.S. Congress, offered some advice to President John F. Kennedy. ‘A great man,’ she told him, ‘is one sentence.’ Abraham Lincoln’s sentence was: ‘He preserved the union and freed the slaves.’ Franklin Roosevelt’s was: ‘He lifted us out of a great depression and helped us win a world war.’ Luce feared that Kennedy’s attention was so splintered among different priorities that his sentence risked becoming a muddled paragraph.

“You don’t have to be a president-of the United States or of your local gardening club-to learn from this tale. One way to orient your life toward greater purpose is to think about your sentence. Maybe it’s ‘He raised four kids who became happy healthy adults.’ Or ‘She invented a device that made people’s lives easier.’ Or ‘He cared for every person who walked into his office regardless of whether that person could pay.’ Or ‘She taught two generations of children how to read.’

“As you contemplate your purpose, begin with the big question: What’s your sentence?“