Making Peace With the Present

Fill in the blank for this statement: “When XYZ happens, then I will be happy.” When I lose 10 pounds, am in a relationship, or have a certain (usually indeterminable) amount of money all fit the bill. Often it’s when I find a more satisfying or higher-paying job, or for many right now, any job at all.

On an intellectual level I see that it makes sense to be grateful for the present. If I believe happiness is only available at a distant point in the future then I’m wasting the many joys and gifts of this moment. On a more emotional level, that can feel like a bitter pill to swallow when areas of my life are not where I want them to be.

So I’ve been grappling with this question of why it’s hard to accept present circumstances exactly as they are. Here are a few reasons I came up with:

I don’t really want to accept the way things are because then that would mean:
1. I like how they are.
2. I’m complacent and therefore not working hard enough on the circumstances.
3. If I don’t hold onto the situation tightly with vigilance then nothing will change.
4. If I accept the present, including things I’d like to change or am not happy with, then those things will never change.
Under this last theory, pain or unhappiness = motivation toward my goals.
(At the Omega Institute Women and Happiness event, author and speaker Geneen Roth cited a study which said people believe self-criticism equals change.)

Looking at this list objectively, they are clearly voices of an inner critic. Another less harsh, critical and pessimistic voice reminds me that there are cracks in these theories and assumptions. This opens up the possibility of being more compassionate around the areas of my life that are not all fixed up.

As a friend recently said to me, is it possible that both are true? You can be happy now and you will be happier when circumstances have changed.

One area to look at is dating and romance. People want to date and are attracted to happy, contented people. This feels backwards since most people are dating in the first place because they no longer wish be alone. The paradox is when you’re happy with yourself it’s easier to meet someone.

So how do we make peace with the present, knowing it’s in our best interest to do so?
How do we apply that to jobs, jobseeking and loving your life when you may not love your job or even have one? Employers, after all, want to hire happy people and not those down on their luck.

While I may not have all the answers, I’m starting to see the solution involves a softening around the goal, being a kind and good friend to yourself, and feeling deeply your own value and self-worth regardless of your circumstance. These are not simple or easy objectives, especially for those of us with a life-long habit of self-criticism, but they are worth exploring. What internal shifts would this mean for you? How can you relate to your circumstances differently?

The irony of course is that once we accept and make peace with the present, it changes, often in the direction of what we are seeking.

For an additional tool on making peace with the present, see a previous post I wrote featuring an exercise by Martha Beck called Treasuring the Future Now.

Career Lessons Learned in Yoga Class: Stay Focused on Your Mat

In yoga class, it’s easy to get caught up in what other people are doing on their mats.  When you let your eyes stray, you might see that the person next to you is doing a terrific handstand or triangle pose and feel a twinge of envy. On the flip side, you might see someone struggling with a pose that comes easily to you and feel a sense of pride.

But the beauty of yoga is that it’s a space to get away from competition, that it recognizes that we all come to our practice with different abilities, strengths, and flexibility. In fact, the time of day or day of the week may determine what our bodies are capable of doing, where we feel more tightness versus openness, and our level of energy.

One of my previous yoga teachers always started class encouraging us to “check our egos at the door.” This mantra often pops up when I’m inclined to compare myself to others. Ultimately, the end goal is not to do a series of poses flawlessly (or to look like your neighbor), but to listen to your body and to find balance and centering at your own pace. After practicing yoga for a number of years, I still haven’t done a handstand. My inner voice cautions me that I’m not quite ready (matched with a discomfort of being inverted). Thankfully, the preparation for that pose is supposedly just as important.

In our careers, as in yoga, there’s a tendency to let our ambition—and our own egos—guide our decisions according to other people’s success. It’s one thing to look to others for inspiration, but we have to be careful not to measure our worth based on others’ accomplishments.

If it becomes difficult to stay focused on your own progress and to be present with where you are in your life (the great yoga mat), do what yoga teachers recommend during a balancing pose: pick a spot on the wall and stare at it. Your eyes will soon adjust to tune everyone else out.

What’s Your Career Fear?

Do you know what thoughts and beliefs are unconsciously sabotaging your career dreams? Discover your career fear, the biggest free-floating anxiety churning through your mind. The scenario you want to avoid. Flip the fear around and create a powerful statement that affirms its opposite.

I recently asked LYJ client Marina to look five years into the future and name the situation she didn’t want to find herself in. She described a state of aimlessness, where she was without a solid skill or profession because she hadn’t lived up to her potential. This was her worst-case scenario. I asked her to flip this around and think of what the best-case scenario might be. Marina then described: “In five years, I’m realizing my potential. I’ve cultivated a skill set, doing work I enjoy that fulfills me. I’m on a path to advancement, and am able to support myself financially and securely.” The new version is a much more powerful vision and suggests actions to take.

In my early twenties, when I was unclear about my career path and lacking in confidence, I went through similar exercises in Jinny Ditzler’s Your Best Year Yet. The exercises ultimately helped me create a career affirmation, which read: “I know exactly what I want to do with my life, and I have the necessary tools to go do it.” Did I totally believe this? Not at the time. But when I pulled out the affirmation (or new paradigm as Ditzler calls it) many years later, I realized that within six months of writing it, I had secured a job that had put me on my path toward doing meaningful work.

Once you unearth your career fear and flip it around into a positive statement, print it out and display it where you can regularly see it. Your new statement will nourish new thoughts that will help you take active steps toward a meaningful career.

Secrets of My Success: From Unemployed in a New City to Social Justice Professional

Elizabeth, age 25,  moved to New York City in 2010 after working in the health care field, hoping to break into non-profit, social justice work. After almost a year of under-employment and freelance work, she landed a full-time job in her field of choice thanks to a lot of networking, self-care and persistence. Here are the secrets of Elizabeth’s success:

1. How long were you unemployed?

When I first moved to NYC, I was completely unemployed for two months. Then, thanks to a cold email, I secured a part time job at an organization I loved, but the job paid next to nothing. A month or so later, I accepted a full time at a position that I knew I wasn’t going to enjoy, so I kept part time work as a means of staying sane.

After 3 months, my boss at the part time job thought it could become a full time position, so I quit the soul-sucking full time job. And then the funding dropped out for my part time job, so I started doing a lot of freelancing to try and make ends meet. If I wasn’t living with my partner, I would have been in financial trouble for sure. I was also doing a lot of self-care — fostering dogs, going to the park as often as possible, spending time with my family, getting to know New York City. I had a lot of job interviews, some that went well and many that didn’t. I learned which organizations in my field were actually looking for someone with my background and which were not interested in someone with a brain.

2. What was your job search strategy during this period?

It was a multi-pronged strategy. I went to a lot of networking events, and had personal business cards so I could give those out to as many people as possible. I sent follow-up emails to people I met to make sure they knew what I was looking for, and to ask how I could be useful to them in some way.

I made sure people that I respected in my field knew that I was looking for a job, but not just any job — I made sure they knew my passions, strengths and talents. I asked for advice about what organizations they thought were doing work that matched my interests.

Of course, I looked on a lot of job posting websites, and also went directly to the sites of organizations I was interested in to check on job postings. What I found most helpful was connecting with people at those organizations and getting inside information about upcoming job openings.

3. How did you ultimately come to obtain your current new job? (Through a friend, cold application)

I found out about the job opening through an acquaintance I met at a networking event. She had been monitoring my work over the previous months and really wanted me to work for her organization. As soon as she found out about the job opening, she let me know, and sent me the job description before it went online. I prepared my resume and cover letter and sent it in as soon as the description went up.

4. What do you think were the secrets to your success?

The moment I stopped feeling desperate for work, everything seemed a little easier. After I started freelancing and was able to pay my bills, I let myself relax a little, and didn’t feel like I had to compromise on finding a job that was the right fit. In person interactions were the most beneficial for me, and making sure that people could make the connections between my online and offline work.

5. What advice do you have for jobseekers out there?

Do what you have to do to make ends meet — don’t compromise on a job that your gut tells that you’ll hate. Desperation and anxiety feel awful because they are — take care of yourself, and find a community of people who reinforce the importance of self-care.

Five Questions for Emily May

Emily May is co-founder and Executive Director of Hollaback!, an organization dedicated to ending street harassment using mobile technology. Started in 2005 in NYC, Hollaback has grown to eight affiliate sites worldwide and has been featured on Good Morning America, MSNBC and in the New York Times. I met Emily on a panel on careers in advocacy for women where it was clear that she LOVES her job.

1. What do you love about your job?

My favorite part of my job is working with our international site leaders. They are so inspirational, so passionate, and so dedicated. They do this work because they believe in it (they are not paid), and at least once a week one of them will do something that makes me shed a happy tear. Because even executive director’s cry, and anyone who tells you this work isn’t emotional is lying.

2. Did you always know this was the job or career path for you?

I started Hollaback as a side project with friends in 2005, and it took me a long time to recognize the impact of what we had created. It also took me a long time to recognize that my voice mattered. It wasn’t until 2009 when I did a Progressive Women’s Voices training through the Women’s Media Center that I realized by staying on the sidelines, I was slowing the pace of progress. I started Hollaback for me – because I wanted a response to street harassment – but once I took a look around I realized that Hollaback had become much, much bigger than me. Even four years after it launched people were still responding to the work, and were continuing to launch sites internationally. I thought: if this is what success for Hollaback looks like without any staff, what could it look like if with staff? Needless to say, with only one full time dedicated staff person the organization has exploded this year.

3. What are the most important lessons you have you learned along the way?

I learned that leading as a woman is hard. Even though I always knew that sexism existed, I used to think that if I just worked harder than everyone else it wouldn’t really effect me. Not so. If you are making change, you are pissing people off. And if you are a woman pissing people off, well watch out. People will try to throw every road block in your way. They will tell you that you are ugly and fat, threaten violence against you, you name it. If you really want it though – and if you are really all in – you will keep going even in the face of all this. But don’t forget to buy yourself a nice cocktail every once and a while.

4. Tell us about a defining moment for you related to your work.

I really like to please people. And I hate it when people don’t like me. In the first six months of my job – we had achieved so much success – and so much backlash. It seemed like everyone had a perspective on this work. And none of it was consistent. I was making hundreds of decisions everyday, and there so few clearcut answers. At some point I realized that I was leading this organization based on pure gut instinct. That was really scary. It meant that to run the best organization I could run, I needed to be the best person I could be. Everything about who I am is put to the test everyday, and sure, mistakes are made. But I couldn’t be prouder of what we’ve accomplished.

5. What advice do you have for people looking to find work they love, in your field, or any field?

Try lots of things. Learn what you love and what you hate. Find the things that you are good at – and try to get a job where you get to do those things all day, and don’t feel bad about steering clear of things that you are terrible at. Someone else is good at those things, so move over and give them a chance. You’ve got a better job waiting for you anyway.

For more Q&A’s with Emily May on her career path and work with Hollaback!, see this recent interview on Fast Company’s website.

Setting Priorities and Boundaries for a Work-Life Balance

I recently spoke at two different workshops dedicated to the perennial question of work-life balance. How do you achieve it? Is it really possible?

A few themes that came up in both conversations revolved around feelings of guilt for leaving work at a reasonable hour or putting one’s needs first, setting boundaries around use of e-mail/technology and how to avoid distraction while at work and at home, and how to carve out time for personal interests and down time in our increasingly busy lives.

Ultimately, I think the solutions can be found in how we set priorities with our time. For me, I have to put a yoga class on my calendar to hold me accountable to practicing yoga. And, I often find that when I’m busiest and consider cancelling this “appointment,” that it’s really a sign that I need to take a break to nurture my mind and body.

It’s when we make time for the things in our lives that are important, but not necessarily urgent, that we often derive the most sense of balance.

Here are some other tips for setting priorities and boundaries in your life:

• Give yourself a time limit on checking your personal e-mail or Facebook account during the day
• Take a lunch break, even if it’s just a short walk around the block
• Keep a small notepad nearby to write down a list of reminders
• Create a “deadlines” calendar to keep track of your to-do list
• Map out your weekly priorities list and create a daily action plan
• Hire a professional organizer to establish order in your home or office
• Spend 15 minutes a day cleaning or filing
• Set up automatic bill pay to avoid late payments and penalties
• Negotiate your workload and communicate your needs to your supervisor

And, perhaps the most important tip: Remember that saying “no” is a leadership characteristic.

Saying “no” to one thing allows you to say “yes” to something else.

In assessing your current responsibilities and priorities, what is one thing weighing you down that you might be able to move off of your plate? What is one small thing you can do today to help you feel a greater sense of balance?

Your Dream Job Description

When my LYJ (Love Your Job) Search class starts on Monday, I will be asking participants to draft a description of their ideal job. The clarity that results from this exercise can be extremely helpful. It allows people to better articulate what they are looking for and creates a level of focus for their searches.

If you would like to try this exercise, know that you can tear it up and re-write the whole thing at any moment. Understand that nothing you’re writing is set in stone and just allow yourself to freely imagine a variety of possibilities. Include a list of 10 possible dream companies after you have written your description. This is a key part of the exercise especially as you begin to share what you’re looking for with others. Here is the assignment with a sample from an LYJ alumna to get you started:

Write a one-page proposal of your ideal work setting. Title the document, YourName’s Dream Job, Inc. This should include location, lighting, space, hours, people, boss, leadership, types of projects you get to work on, subject matter, types of activities. At the bottom, list 10 potential companies/organizations that would be a dream to work at.

SAMPLE LYJ DREAM JOB DESCRIPTION:

MAIN ACTIVITIES

Write everyday. Research latest news topics and developments in my field, including news sources, medical and health journals, blogs. Analyze policy developments for their potential impact in my field. Speak about the mission and activities of my organization/company to potential investors or media.

PURPOSE

Responsible, progressive national and state policy. Social justice. Environmental justice. Promoting health. Evaluating areas for improvement in health programming. Advancing health technology and/or access.

SUPERVISION

Work closely with one main mentor/supervisor under minimal supervision. Weekly one-on-one meetings to discuss progress, suggestions, questions, next steps. Mentor/supervisor offers constructive criticism and praise freely and simply. Daily working environment does not include check-ins or micromanaging, but rather is a relationship of mutual trust to work simultaneously and separately in a coordinated fashion. Independence.

LOCATION

New York, NY. Beautiful section of the city with healthy, affordable lunch spots and nearby green space. Reasonably close to where I live / reasonable commute. Clean, open, modern building with plants, lots of natural light, and sustainable materials. Office with a door and big desk. Gym onsite!

SALARY

Although in a “dream” type situation, the sky is the limit, salary for this description would be enough for me to comfortably pay back my monthly student loan payments, have a nice one-bedroom apartment, maintain my current lifestyle (buying good food, traveling occasionally, updating wardrobe, not panicking at Christmas time), investing in my retirement fund, and salary for upward mobility in my field.

HOURS

About 9 to 5, give or take some flexibility. Option to work from home. Shorter summertime hours, longer winter hours. Hours may change to avoid monotony. Work days vary in intensity and tasks.

PEOPLE / COLLEAGUES

Motivated, educated colleagues with high drive and excellent interpersonal communication skills. Organized, timely people who also laugh and see the lighter side of things. People who are healthy and have active lives outside of work, but who also give their all for their positions which they believe in. Equal mix of men and women.

ENVIRONMENT

Team-oriented environment, with weekly team meetings but otherwise independent working environment. Culture of the organization: goal and social change oriented, forward thinking, streamlined efficiency.

WORK / LIFE BALANCE

Organization will place a high level of commitment to employees maintaining a healthy work-life balance. Generous vacation time and personal days, which can be taken without fear or feeling of reprimand.

REAL LIFE COMPANIES / ORGANIZATIONS
I WOULD WANT TO WORK FOR

Google
Planned Parenthood
World Health Organization
Lululemon Athletica (higher position or creative team)
Reproductive Health Technologies Project
President Obama
Global Health Strategies

Purpose

I had the good fortune of hearing life coach and Finding Your Own North Star author Martha Beck speak recently. Her framework for thinking about where our sense of purpose is derived from stayed with me and rings true so I wanted to share it here. She said you can find your purpose in one of two ways:

1. Where your gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.

2. From your own life experiences: Think of the worst thing that has happened to you. Then go help people with that thing.

Beck qualified the latter by saying you can help people if you’ve “been to hell and back.” If you’ve overcome major obstacles in your life, you have something to teach. Every self-help book I’ve ever read is along these lines with the great teachers having experienced suffering they overcame, learned from, and could go on to teach others. My own work is informed by mistakes I’ve made and difficult periods I’ve come out on the other side of. It’s also informed by the joy and gladness Beck refers to above.

If you’re not sure what your larger purpose is, or if it’s vague and unclear, sometimes just asking the question is enough with the understanding and trust that the answer will come perhaps using this framework or another that makes sense for you.

Ask Three People to Name Your Strengths

We’re at the point in my LYJ (Love Your Job) Search Class where I ask participants to do the following assignment. I was reminded again how valuable this exercise is so I wanted to post it here:

Ask 3 people who know you well what your biggest strengths are as they see it. Choose a variety of people, especially at least one person who knows some of your professional talents.

It’s one thing to be self-reflective and name your own strengths but it’s another to seek outside feedback. In the best possible scenario, colleagues and close friends who know you well are able to reflect back to you things that you are perhaps not able to see yourself. These may also be parts of yourself that you’re not yet able to own and accept fully.

For myself, it was close friends who pointed out what a wonderful mentor I am to younger women especially on career advice. At first I thought, oh that, it’s nothing. (This is very similar to my post on playing your “free square”.) But later I was able to integrate this strength into how I view myself.

It’s not always easy to ask for this feedback and it can feel uncomfortable to receive it. Women especially, it seems to me, tend to downplay their strengths and avoid standing in the spotlight. At the same time, I’m always amazed and delighted at how positive this experience can be. Students in my college career development class came to class with smiles on their faces reporting back on the information received. One of the jobseekers in my current LYJ class reached out to a former colleague and received such glowing feedback that this person is now working hard to get her a job at her company!

So go ahead and ask what your biggest strengths are. I find my closest friends who know a bit about my professional side work best. If you’re inspired, return the favor by reflecting back what you see in them. I promise it’s one of the best gifts you can give this holiday season.

“Help, I just started my new job and am already bored!”

Question, from a recent grad in a new job: “Today is my fourth day, and I’m already feeling bored. I’m hoping this is just me being impatient and that things will get better. I’m glad to be employed and to have an income, but my gut instinct about this job was right — this definitely isn’t the place I envision myself. Do you have any advice on getting through this period? I made a list of things I’m happy about in my life, which helps, but any practical advice would be appreciated. I feel like a constant whiner — maybe I need to just suck it up?”

Answer: For starters, do cut yourself some slack. We’ve all been there! Here are some thoughts:

1. Commit to a time period you can mentally handle. Is it 3 months, 6 months, 9 months? It takes time to get to know a new position and what’s possible within it. It’s good to give yourself the opportunity to try it out, regardless of your initial feelings.

2. Muster up the courage to ask for more work or clarity on what you should be doing. Chances are if you don’t have enough to do, and you’re bored, it’s because you’re new but that will change.

3. Make friends – that always helps. Ask people to go to lunch with you or a snack break. At the same time, there’s no need to put too much pressure on friend-making right away.

4. Use the boredom time as a gift to work on your own projects or creative ideas at lunch or while working. (I’m always multi-tasking and never once had a job where all I did was THAT job. But maybe that’s just me.)

5. Figure out the fun stuff you like to do. For me it’s a little writing, helping others, projects that require my creative input, or use my special gifts. Find your way onto those projects or suggest them. It takes some time to figure that out and involves self-awareness.

6. Aim for one week at a time, one day at a time.

7. According to LYJ blogger Jen Bird – Always remember that it’s only TEMPORARY and you have choices, i.e. you can leave, stay, or use the time to explore other options. Even evaluating all of your options mentally may help you to realize the benefits of staying for the time being and actively choosing to stay in your current position may have the effect of making you feel more powerful/less a victim of circumstance. Understanding and remembering that you have choices can be a huge relief, and one that allows you to then focus on using the time productively in some other way.

Other suggestions for our recent grad?

Got job or career-related questions? Send them to lyjnow (at) gmail.com.