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I had the honor of participating in the Women and Happiness weekend conference hosted by the Omega Institute in NYC. For those coming to the LYJ blog looking for insights on joy, meaningful work and happiness, here are some of the highlights from one of the main speakers, Brené Brown.
Brené Brown is a Texas research professor and author of The Gifts of Imperfection (which I cannot wait to read). She spoke at length on her work analyzing the characteristics of the “wholehearted”, a group of people she discovered who seemed to live their lives from a place of joy, more so than others.
From research interviews, Brown discovered the following about the “wholehearted”:
- They cultivate self-compassion, and let go of perfectionism.
- They cultivate play and rest, and let go of exhaustion and productivity as a means of self-worth. (The wholehearted fool and piddle around a lot, she said. They play. She cited Stuart Brown’s definition of play as “to spend time without purpose.”)
- They cultivate calm and stillness, and let go of anxiety as a lifestyle.
- They feel a deep sense of love and belonging, mainly by feeling worthy of love and belonging.
- They practice gratitude. She emphasized that gratitude is a “practice” involving a continual commitment.
- They embrace vulnerability. Brown spoke at length on vulnerability and has a viral TED talk on this theme. I highly recommend viewing this and her talk on shame since both offer rich insights. One of my main takeaways was that creativity and innovation are incredibly vulnerable acts. Shame and fear, as part of a workplace or within oneself, stifle creativity and innovation. Honor yourself for “daring greatly.” Overall, Brown has put the spotlight on vulnerability and made us all more thoughtful about its value.
Interestingly, the most highly compassionate people Brown studied had “boundaries like you would not believe.” They said no with abandon. She theorized that when you care for yourself and when you put yourself first, it’s easier to love and be compassionate with others. “Choose discomfort over resentment” is Brown’s new mantra, meaning, choose the brief social discomfort of saying no over a future resentment.
Listening to Brown’s talk, I began to think more about areas of my life and ways of being that perhaps are not serving my overall happiness and well being.
Where can you begin to cultivate more of the qualities of the “wholehearted” to become more kind and compassionate with yourself and joyful at home, in your work and in your community?
Every one needs a boost of inspiration every once in a while—or if you’re going through upheaval, many times in one day—and there are lots of places to get it: books, supporters, quotes, affirmations, etc.
One of my most important touchstones for the last year has been Steve Jobs’s 2005 Stanford commencement speech. I love this speech because he talks about three truths in his life, which really are universal truths. I return to this speech when I need a reminder of why I’m doing the hard things I’m doing, or that I don’t need to know exactly where I’m going. It’s gotten me through some tough times.
- “You can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backwards, so you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something–your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever–because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well-worn path, and that will make all the difference.”
- Sometimes the worst thing that can happen to you is also the best thing.
- We’re all going to die, so we better make life worth living.
But don’t take my word for it, read or watch it yourself:
Transcript of Steve Jobs’s 2005 Stanford commencement speech
YouTube video of Steve Jobs’s 2005 Stanford commencement speech
I am pleased to kick off a new LYJ series with people who love what they do. We begin with Katja Kullander, a Swede who moved to New York a decade ago to pursue a career in music. Katja is the owner of Sing From Your Heart Music Studio where she teaches voice to people of all ages (currently students from ages 8-80!) and walks of life. I’ve known Katja for a few years and during that time I’ve heard her say on more than one occasion how much she loves her job which is why I chose her to start us off.1. What do you love about your job?
I love my job because it is a combination of working with wonderful personalities and music in one setting. In one day I hear anything from songs by Mozart to Janis Joplin! I witness miracles every day in the field of finding your natural voice and connecting your unique sound to your heart and soul. It is a deeply touching experience to see my students beautiful transformation when it comes to opening up their voices and freedom of expression.
2. Did you always know this was the job or career path for you?
I studied voice in college and I had the opportunity to be the substitute teacher for my college professor on several occasions and I enjoyed it immensely. I got an even deeper satisfaction from teaching than performing, which really surprised me. It would take many years for me to really admit that to myself. When I work it feels very right. I am totally present in the moment feeling the beautiful flow of life and focusing on the students. It does not feel like work, it feels like life- A joyful existence!
3. What are the most important lessons you have you learned along the way?
The biggest lesson for me is realizing that even in business, like in life, there is a constant fluctuation of ebb and flow and that no matter what, you have to stick with it and keep focusing on your dream. Realizing that your own fear is not a fact and keep taking action towards your dreams will make your own doubts disappear. Our biggest enemy is usually ourself!
4. Tell us about a defining moment for you related to your work.
The defining moment for me was when I decided to branch out on my own and left the safety of a supportive music school environment. I was now on my own and had to completely rely on my self, my craft and my knowledge of business. It really was worth it taking a risk to try flying on my own! It worked!
5. What advice do you have for people looking to find work they love, in your field, or any field?
Listen to your heart! Go for it! If you don’t know what your dream is yet, look at things in your life that you love doing. Things that when you do them you are totally present to the experience and you feel blissful. Do one small thing a day to get closer to your vision. Never give up. You can accomplish anything you set your mind and heart to do. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t. Prove them wrong and yourself right. I am a true believer in “Do what you love and the money will follow”. I am certain that there is a place for everyone’s unique abilities in this world. We can all flourish together!
Learn more about Katja at her website: http://www.singfromyourheart.com
I was talking to a good friend the other day who recently had a baby and is really loving her life at the moment. In addition to enjoying every moment with her adorable son, she and her husband are both working part-time and so have time to spend with each other and with their son as a family. Both of them work in demanding jobs as attorneys so achieving this life for themselves was no small feat. Before now, it was not unusual for one or both of them to work late into the evening, sharing take-out over a speaker phone. Now they’re both home before dinner, preparing home-cooked meals and spending quality time together.
How did they get there?
When I asked my friend this question, she responded:
“Even before I had a baby, I held a vision in my head of what our lives would be like as a family – even though I wasn’t sure how it would happen, I saw both of us working on a reduced schedule, with enough time to enjoy our lives, spend time with our baby, and be home in time for dinner. No matter what was happening outside, I continued to hold the vision in my head, until one day . . we arrived.”
This concept of painting and holding a vision one’s future can be incredibly helpful in any job search and in life. Alice in Wonderland, an amazing book, and a source of many of my favorite quotes can also be instructive on this point:
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where … ” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
Many times when I talk to individuals about their job search, they ask me what job openings are out there that match their qualifications. This is definitely useful information in any search, but another more important question is “where do you want to go?”. The answers to this question will have a significant impact on your next career move.
For example, if you’re an attorney thinking about the next step and hold a vision of yourself as a partner at a firm, then you might want to join a firm where you could see yourself growing and spending the next several years of your career. If you’re an attorney with the same skill set who would prefer pursue a passion for music while working only part-time, your path and choices regarding your next position would be markedly different.
Asking yourself “where you want to go” can be an intimidating question if you start out without any idea of where you’d like to end up, but a few smaller questions can be illuminating:
When you picture yourself at age 40, 50, 60 … 90 what are you doing?
How are you spending your time? Working? With family? With friends?
How much time do you spend on other pursuits?
What are those other pursuits?
What accomplishments in your life are you most proud of?
How do others in your community view you?
As the Cat points out, even if you don’t know where you want go, you will surely end up somewhere, it just helps to know where you’re going if you want to know which direction to move in at any particular point in time. And if you’re picturing yourself on a 100-foot yacht in the middle of the ocean, retired at age 35, or imagining some other Wildly Improbable Goal but thinking it may be outside your reach, here’s another tip from Alice In Wonderland, this time from the Queen:
Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said, “one can’t believe impossible things.”
“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen.
“When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. . . .
Why sometimes I believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!”
As most tennis fans know, top seed Roger Federer defeated Tommy Robredo in the fourth round of the U.S. open today to advance to the quarterfinals and move one step closer to a potential sixth consecutive U.S. Open title.
In the post game interview, Federer was asked how he advanced past Robredo, who had won several games in the first set. I don’t remember the exact words he used, but Federer said something that surprised me. He said that at the beginning of a match, before he gets out on the court and especially after a bad practice, he sometimes questions himself, his abilities and even wonders whether he still knows how to play the game.
He then went on to say that, in this game, once he started to play, loosened up a bit and got to know the quirks of his opponent, he found that not only did he remember how to play, he played great.
I’m sure Federer was being overly-humble in the afterglow of his decisive win. But on some level it’s comforting to know that the number one seed in men’s tennis today, the man who has won the past five U.S. opens and who is arguably one of the greatest men’s tennis players of all time, sometimes wonders whether he still remembers how to play the game.
As the summer comes to an end and the new season begins – a season that has been ingrained in our collective memory as time to go back to school, aka “back to work” – some of us may be wondering “do I remember how to play the game?” The answer: Sure you do. Just relax and let the game come to you. And so you know you’re not alone, remember Federer’s words: “It happens to me too.”
An interesting op-ed in the New York Times, “Genius: A Modern View“, by David Brooks maintains that genius isn’t born, it’s made.
Referencing recent books, “The Talent Code” by Daniel Coyle and “Talent Is Overrated” by Geoff Colvin, Mr. Brooks points out that the key factor separating geniuses (ranging from Mozart to Tiger Woods) from the rest is not I.Q., but instead “deliberate practice.”
“Top performers”, ranging from Mozart to Tiger Woods, he writes, “spend more hours (many more hours) rigorously practicing their craft.” 10,000 hours is the number he mentions (if you practiced 24/7, that’s a little over a year).
What does this mean?
It’s never too late to turn yourself into a genius. As Coyle observes, “It’s not who you are, it’s what you do.”
There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there’s only a scarcity of resolve to make it happen.
Wayne Dyer
This is the title of a chapter in Jon Kabot-Zinn’s book Wherever You Go There You Are. In it, he tells the story of Buckminster Fuller who was going to take his life but instead decided to live as if he had taken his life, thereby freeing himself from worrying about how things worked out for him personally.
My favorite part of the Buckminster Fuller story is that, according to Kabot-Zinn, he started to ask himself, “What is it on this planet that needs doing that I know something about, that probably won’t happen unless I take responsibility for it?”
I’ve started to use this question in the 5 or 10 minutes of meditation I manage to sneak in before I start my day. At the end of sitting quietly, I bow and ask myself: “How can I give and how can I serve all those I come into contact with today?” (A question inspired by Deepak Chopra’s Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.) And then, “What is my job on this planet with a Capital J? What needs doing that I know something about, that probably won’t get done unless I take responsibility for it?”
I’m not quite sure of the answers yet but I feel certain that asking the question on a daily basis is the first step.
I always thought it would be a good idea to read the biographies of successful people for inspiration but never seem to get around to it. Today I was re-reading Laurence Boldt’s How to Find the Work You Love and was inspired to run out and get books by and about the greats of past and present. Here’s why.
Boldt cites Napolean Hill’s book, Think and Grow Rich, about Hill’s quest to raise himself up from extreme poverty, low expectation and limiting beliefs. Boldt says:
“Hill employed [a] useful technique, which he referred to as the ‘master mind’ principle. This technique involves creating a kind of peer group of the mind. By reading the writings, biographies, and letters of the greats of history, you begin to identify with them as people like yourself. You break down the artificial barrier between yourself and greatness. As you ‘make friends with’ great people, you being to engage them in mental conversation, seeking insight, advice, and direction. You start to think the kinds of thoughts they thought, to expect of yourself the kinds of things they expected of themselves. You make common cause with those who have endeavored to hold up the light of human possibilities in every arena of human experience. You develop a deep sense of gratitude for their efforts.”
I especially like the idea of engaging in mental conversations with great figures and not feeling like I’m so different from them. What biographies, autobiographies, letters and writing by successful people of the past or present have inspired you? Perhaps like me, it’s time to get started.
By the way, Hill’s book appears on this list of Top 50 Success Classics which a friend just sent me. Check it out.
“Whether in stages or directly, it is amazing how often people do get their dream job or career. The more you don’t cut the dream down, because of what you think you know about the real world, the more likely you are to find what you are looking for. Hold on to all of your dream. Most people don’t find their heart’s desire, because they decide to pursue just half their dream – and consequently hunt for it with only half a heart. If you decide to pursue your whole dream, your best dream, the one you would die to do, I guarantee you that you will for it will all your heart. It is this passion which often is the difference between successful career-changes, and unsuccessful ones.”
What Color Is Your Parachute? by Richard N. Bolles
Jen Bird
Suzanne Grossman
Nicole Lisa
Alyssa Best
